my problems are questions
i am an obvious
my heart once drunk to speak
so now i have nothing
new to say
this intimate thing
absolute and magic
a little fire explores
and this laugh lingers
yes i believed in their power
don't you remember
we were touching like lavender
that night we survived
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER AN ENCRYPTED VIDEO CALL
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER AN ENCRYPTED VIDEO
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER AN ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR OVER ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING GUITAR ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU PLAYING ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO YOU ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG TO ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ALONG ENCRYPTED
I’M SINGING ENCRYPTED
WHAT IF FRANKENSTEIN AND HIS MONSTER WERE ACTUALLY THE SAME CREATURE
I FEEL MOST LIKE A FAGGOT RIGHT BEFORE I AM CAUGHT
my body's monster
can either mean my body [OWNS] a monster
or my body [IS] a monster
sometimes i want to leave my skin in one of the terrific and dangerous ways other transsexuals do
so i am reading the blog of someone who is transitioning back to their birth gender
after dysphoria in both binaries / and they say
i can’t look at myself anymore &
i feel like a freak | monstrous | frankensteined
and there is no binary that could convince me to pray
to it but the creature that lives shuttered against
the wall of my chest hears something familiar and
rears its malform | monstrous | miscreation
in the supermarket some child always shrieked stickily to their discontent adult
IS THAT A BOY | OR A GIRL
at first i’d hide in the next aisle to break into some kind of shamed sob
then i’d sneer back at whichever newly-toothed mouth the question came from
WHAT IF I’M NEITHER
WHAT IF I’M BOTH
WHAT IF I’M NOTHING
WHAT IF I’M LEAVING
WHAT IF I’M GONE
after i get top surgery, my lover visits me
in recovery & holds my hand & when my bandages
come off, he
i flinch when i drive through intersections because
my body remembers a car accident it survived
(my body remembers it did not have a limp prior)
i flinch when i see myself in the mirror because
my body remembers a sloppy surgery it survived
(my body remembers what grew there before it was un-grown)
i flinch when you say u know i love u right? because
my body doesn’t remember a love that it survived
i wonder how many years it will take of me stumbling
over the prayer following another confident voice before
i remember the cadence of community as smoothly as i do
the threat of christianity / what wonder / a prayer
my abusers never memorized / an altar i wasn’t molested
behind / a religious service i didn’t spend just as long
trying to scrub off /
i am spending chanukah reading a historical account of anti-semitism
a blonde boy with blue eyes is still a jew if he’s born a jew
my father went to catholic school and they tried to beat the jew out of him
what is a jew
but an anxiety
ashamed of itself
the borders are closed so we video-chat across time-zones
our voices crackle like glass breaking
last year i set my curtains on fire waiting for the light to
what do leftists dream about?
cop cars on fire | being arrested
being loved | lovers being arrested
setting cop cars on fire with lovers
someone else's meatsuit && i are making out on their couch
instead of moving like dreams our sweat congeals && we laugh
i move to choke her like the faggots we are
&& i wake up, caught mid-----
the astrologers in their infinite mercy
only cluck at my cards this time
we all know i’ll skip a party to wait for
a text that doesn’t happen
i’m not making my bed i haven’t in weeks
i’m just lying in it
i came out when poets still listed the states
we were allowed to consummate
marriage in and the crowd chanted
their contrapuntal traumas back
& to hurt
& to hold
VENUS IN TAURUS
i left after she
came. already planning on
lying at home, too.
I come like a thief--
Oh child, you cannot stay awake this long.
Were you raised to fear yourself like I was?
Oh darling, a yew-bloom into debt-sin.
Is this not what you wanted?
Creation without limit?
Oh, where are my manners?
Let me introduce you to perdition.
I lay myself on your chest.
My home is your voice.
Child, I am crazed with you.
Oh, strapped for sustenance--
I will consume all you love.
I will consume all who love you.
[revolution and/or revelation]
[revulsion and/or revision]
There is no escape without sleep.
I am a w[hole]. I empty as I fill.
Child, I missed you. I mist you.
I guest you. I ghost you.
I will be your final meal.
I will meet you within the past.
We will walk the aisle
to the altar of the future.
This will be our final communication.
*commission from late 2020, to be played as a game on a website that I can't currently remember the name of :(
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES TRUE
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ENOUGH TIMES IT REPEATS
IF I BELIEVE IT REPEATS IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ALIVE IT BECOMES TRUE
IN TRANNY JAIL PEOPLE WHO HATE ME WILL SHARE THEIR CIGS WITH ME
i don't even like cigs but
around the fire we are all the same kind
of faggot /
there are liberals who think the solution to
overcrowded prisons is building
then sorting the trannies out of regular jail
and putting them in a newly built
and in tranny jail,
we're gonna lift weights and compare shitty tattoos
in tranny jail,
people who have beef with me probably still
have beef with me and i wonder
all the time if we're all
in tranny jail together,
will we finally uplift each other?
will tranny jail make us kinder animals?
(we'll never know b/c if they get enuf of us in a cell we'll bang down the bars)
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